The endless battle of the bulge

I have always been fat. Well, maybe not always, but definitely since I was 7. My weight has steadily creeped up and up and up, taking only minor downturns before continuing to go back up.

In January of 2002 at the age of 22 I decided to start Weight Watchers. I didn't have money, so I followed the plan without emotional support (except for a very wonderful friend who was also following WW) and lost some weight. The problem was, living on campus yielded no freedom to choose my meals. Now, I had *some* freedom (as I was eating in the dining commons) but the problem was total lack of variety. My fav foods were always the nuclear-green pesto tortellini, grilled cheese sandwiches and the always good pizza. Oh and tater tots. I could have lived on tater tots. I ate a whole plate whenever they were served. When I started WW I tried salads but they didn't really "do" it for me. Luckily for me my school started a stirfry bar that year and I started to enjoy the stirfrys. Every single day. Lunch and dinner. The ingredients seldom changed and there were few sauces I was tempted to try. It didn't take long before I dove into a big plate of fried food (or pesto tortellini... I don't remember which plate spelled the downfall of me on WW). I don't remember how much I lost that semester.

When I moved to PA in August of 2002, I began WW again with gusto. Having newfound freedom to choose my meals left me feeling empowered. I exercised and stuck to WW until the holidays, losing weight each week. My guilty pleasure was chocolate chip cookie dough... I banked points every day so I could have 1/3 roll of chocolate chip cookie dough every Friday night. Mmmm.

The holidays spelled a slight disaster, as travelling doesn't really go well with a diet plan such as WW. Hardly any healthy options exist on the road, and when you are travelling for 8 hours you must get out of the car. Christmas was worse than Thanksgiving, since I had to travel via Greyhound for like 22 hours to get to Michigan. I lived on snack food for that time. Ick.

I survived the holidays with only gaining probably 10 pounds back so I quickly got back to work trying to lose that weight again. I followed WW for ... I don't remember how long after that. I managed to get down to 202.5 pounds (starting from 260) by the time I met my (now) husband in April of 2004. I wasn't really following WW at that time, and he shared my love of good food - pizza, wings, etc. And, he loved me for me, not for what I looked like on the outside.

This was a revelation for me. All my life I had thought "If only I could get skinny, boys will like me. I'll be happy when I lose weight because I'll have a man." Realizing (after all 58 pounds were put back on) that my reasoning for wanting to lose weight was flawed left me feeling a little elated and I almost didn't want to lose weight again. I was enjoying eating all those good foods.

I got married on June 24, 2006, weighing 289 pounds. It was the most I'd ever weighed. This was followed 9 months later by the birth of my son. The most I'd weighed while pregnant was 299 pounds (one month before the birth), and once he was born I was down to 296. This ensured that once the swelling went down, I would have the unique opportunity to have lost weight by being pregnant.

You'd think I'd use that as an opportunity to jump-start a new attempt at weight loss. You'd be wrong.

I had so many medical problems after the birth of my son that I actually spent a lot of time in bed and although I wasn't eating too much, my activity level was really low. So, by the time I went in for my pap one year after my son was born I was up to 306. I had had enough.

I had a dissertation to write, though, so I held off starting WW again until I moved this summer. It's easier to follow when I'm not stressed out. I love to eat when I'm stressed and I had one last hurrah of pizza and ice cream. And ribs. Mmmm.

After moving, my back started to hurt whenever I got up from laying in my bed. Part of the problem is my bed, but there is no reason why a 28-year-old woman should be in so much pain. I knew I needed to lose weight.

I don't want to hurt. I already have pain in my legs and knees.

I don't want to dread clothes shopping.

I don't want to dread going to a beach.

I don't want my child to be embarrassed when he starts school.

I want to live long enough to see my child graduate, marry, and have kids of his own.

I don't want to develop diabetes.

I want to be able to keep up with my son when he wants to play.

So here I am, three weeks into my latest bout with WW. Hopefully my last. I've lost about 15 pounds but I've hit an emotional wall. I know I need to lose weight - not to attract a man but for my own health - but I have such a strong emotional connection to food that I feel like my inability to have a DQ blizzard or a batch of brownies or chocolate chip cookies is going to kill me. I'm depressed and I used to deal with it with food and I haven't figured out a way to deal with it with any other means. I started WW strong, routinely aiming for the bottom of my range and not being hungry when I "had" to eat those minimum point amounts. This week I have been routinely going to the max (or using banked points), and now tonight I only have 2-7 points left and I feel like I'm starving. I feel like I could kill for a whole pan of brownies or a humongous blizzard. I tried making sugar-free cookie dough the other day and it did not satisfy me at all. I can't get psychiatric help until my insurance starts in October, but I suspect I'll be making appointments as soon as I have my insurance information. I need to deal with this emotional connection to food if I'm ever going to win this battle.